A Thousand Miles
by maritinkerbell
Summary: A songfic to the song by Vanessa Carlton. Jesse's musings on his relationship with Susannah when he goes to college. His POV.


**A/N: Don't you hate it when people do Songfics and you don't know the song? But seriously, who doesn't know this one?**

**This is my first songfic. Also, my first fic in Jesse's POV. Its kinda weird, but I like it. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: The song is "A thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton. I don't own it. I also don't own the mediator series, although I do own a keychain, a broken zipper, and ten cents in pennies. **

**Summary: Jesse POV. His relationship with Suze is strained when he goes away to college.**

A Thousand Miles

_makin' my way downtown  
walking fast  
faces pass and I'm homebound_

I managed to get off at the right bus stop, which was pretty amazing, considering that Carmel is this tiny little town that you could miss if you sneezed at just the wrong moment. Also, I only lived there for about half a year before going away to college.

_staring blankly ahead  
just makin' my way  
I'm makin' a way  
through the crowd_

I did not know that competition for colleges was so intense until I applied. For example, I got rejected from most of the ones I applied to, and wait-listed for many more. Then again, this may have been due to the fact that I had transcripts that were a bit…how do you say it? Oh…shady. As in, my school records say that I went to the Junipero Serra Mission Academy for thirteen years, but the IRS thinks that I just immigrated from Mexico last winter.

But then, I sort of expected there to be some complications. I could not just tell people that I had recently been brought back to life, after being dead for 150 years, by my, for lack of a better term, girlfriend, who happens to be a mediator. That would probably earn me some strange looks, or possibly worse.

Still, I did not know that things would be so confusing. Back in 1850, if someone needed to change identities, they just had to move to another town and introduce themselves with a new surname. Now, there are all of these records: school transcripts, driver's licenses, passports, birth certificates, and social security numbers. I don't understand the purpose of these things.

_and I need you_

After I became alive again, I was so lost. You truly helped me, Susannah. You kept me anchored to my dreams, and you humored me when I didn't quite fit in. Half the time that I spent studying for the SATs was with you.

Okay, you were more of a distraction than a help, but at least you kept my morale up. Otherwise, I would have been quite bored. How anyone can presume to measure one's intelligence with a multiple-choice test is beyond me.

_and I miss you_

You were the one who told me to leave town, Susannah. You thought I was too good for NoCal.

I would not have left, but Father Dominic thought that it was for the best. He told me that I could get a better education elsewhere, and that he would look after you while I was away. Of course, not even I could keep you out of trouble, _querida_. You control me far better than I you.

I admit that I was a little hurt when you told me not to consider you, when I was trying to decide where to go. How could I not? You are the reason I am here, Susannah. You are my life.

_and now I wonder_

I remember how upset I was, to be leaving you. My discontent was magnified when you seemed not to care. "Senior year," you told me, "Is all about the parties anyway." But I noticed that you couldn't quite meet my eye. Of course, I wanted you to be happy, but I was also a little greedy; I did not want to see you with anybody else. Is this a sin, Susannah? I couldn't help it. I loved you.

You insisted on driving me to the airport yourself; you told me that you needed to make sure I went through with it. We sat in your mother's car and didn't talk for an eternity. I thought that you just wanted to certify that I had left, that I wouldn't be coming back any time soon. I thought that until I looked over and saw you. For a second, I could not understand why your cheeks were wet, and then I realized you were crying.

_if I could fall into the sky  
do you think time would pass me by_

Time passed quickly for me while I was at college. My classes were interesting, and I managed the workload pretty well, probably because I had nothing to distract me from it. No you.

_cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles  
if I could just see you…tonight_

Okay, perhaps I was a little lonely. I didn't have anyone to talk to, neither you, nor Father Dominic. Being a hundred and seventy years old, I didn't really fit in. I talked more to the professors than to the other students, my "peers". I didn't even see many ghosts; apparently students at college don't get much mediator business.

_it's always times like these  
when I think of you_

I have not "seen" anyone else since I left you. Yes, before I left, I looked at you and told you that you should not wait for me. But this was for your benefit, _querida,_ not mine. I was too in love with you to even think about anyone else. I still find myself mentally comparing you to all of the women that I meet, and you always come out on top.

_and I wonder if you ever think of me_

I remember, when I told you not to wait, how you stared at your knees with your lip sucked in, like you were trying not to cry. Then you looked at the flight schedule and told me I should be going.

"Susannah, you know that I could never love anybody else." That was it. A statement. One sentence before we were torn away from each other.

"And what makes you so sure that I could, Jesse?" Your whisper was angry, and I couldn't leave you that way. I bent down and kissed the top of your head, those beautiful brown curls that you insist look better straight. You looked at me, half annoyed that I was patronizing you, and half nostalgic for the times we spent together. You ran your hands absent-mindedly through my hair, and kissed me.

_cause everything's so wrong  
and I don't belong  
living in you precious memory_

It is funny how, when I was a ghost, I thought that being alive would make everything okay. Yet, now I am in the same position that I was then; I am keeping you from having a normal life. I was taught to do the honorable thing; I let you go.

_cause I need you_

Back when we were still in contact, you asked me why I was so determined to "shoot holes" in our relationship. "The situation is what it is," you told me "and there's nothing you can do to change it." This statement left me feeling powerless.

_and I miss you_

You called me a lot, after I first left, but eventually you stopped. It may have been because, however willing I was to talk to you, you were always the one who initiated the conversations. What can I say, Susannah? I don't like phones.

_and now I wonder_

The last time I talked to you was a while ago. I was occupied, and you were rather vague about what was going on back in Carmel. It did not last very long.

_if I could fall into the sky  
do you think time would pass me by_

After I left, _querida_, your life went on without me. I guess you didn't love me in the way I love you, because I couldn't function without you. I could sleep, and eat, and work, but I couldn't think. I couldn't feel.

The closest that I got to feeling was when Spike was sick. I was scared I would lose him, that he would drift out of my life like a shipwrecked sailor who floats aimlessly to salvation, by God or a passing boat. But my cat got better and stronger, and soon he was up on his feet again. You; you were gone.

_cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles  
if I could just see you…tonight._

I wish I could see you again, just to check up on you. I want to make sure that you truly are okay. But at the same time, I don't want to know what you've been doing since we last spoke. You might have found someone else, someone who can be there for you, and does not leave just to go to a "better" school. You might be happy with this man, you might want to marry him (although you told me that people wait longer now).

_and I, I don't want to let you know  
I, I drown in your memory_

I thought about just calling you, trying to make things right between us. But what can I do? Things happened the way that they did for a reason

_I, I don't want to let this go  
I, I don't…_

I didn't want to leave you, Susannah. But I did. And much though I would like to, I can't just walk back into your life.

However, I can walk back into your town.

_makin' my way downtown  
walking fast  
faces pass and I'm homebound_

I managed to get off at the right bus stop, which was pretty amazing, considering that Carmel is this tiny little town that you could miss if you sneezed at just the wrong moment. Also, I only lived there for about half a year before going away to college.

_staring blankly ahead  
just makin' my way  
I'm makin' a way  
through the crowd_

I walk numbly towards the mission, where I am staying with Father Dominic. I barely notice as people bump into me, hurrying home to their families.

_and I still need you_

Is that you, Susannah?

_and I still miss you_

No, it can't be. I haven't seen you in forever; I'm imagining things.

_and now I wonder_

It is you. It is.

_if I could fall into the sky_

And my world is upside-down because you're in my arms again.

_do you think time would pass me by_

And time is standing still because we're together again.

_cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles_

I'd do anything for you.

_if I could just see you…_

You're so beautiful.

_if I could just hold you…_

I won't let us break apart

_tonight._


End file.
